As a man around town, I’m easy to find.
Email: yatesdan@gmail.com
Twitter: @yatesdan
Linkedin: Dan Yates
You can probably find me on Facebook, too.
On a personal note, I enjoy flat caps, hooded sweatshirts and designer glasses. I drink dark beer and hang out in dimly lit brew pubs. I enjoy hobbies that get me fat (bread) and keep me skinny (5K runs). I try to keep out of the sun, although camping in shaded areas sounds nice, in theory.
The least exciting play in baseball is the home run. If the sport seems boring all of a sudden you can blame a good portion of that on the pitching staff of the Baltimore Orioles.
The Yankees are NOT on a roll. They are merely coming off a three-game series with the Orioles.
The infielders of the Baltimore Orioles remind me of the late Michael Jackson. They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.
I agree with Jerry Seinfeld. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The Orioles serve up four home runs and commit two errors and STILL beat the Jays. Bazeboll been berry-berry good — to me.
My longtime neighbour across the fence, bleary eyed and unshaven, raised an interesting point this morning. Lifting his arms to scratch first one pit and then the other, he asked: “Does reason rule human nature in our uber-modern, globalized age?”
I’ve been watching the Stanley Cup playoffs all weekend and I’m convinced now that playmaking is over-rated.
“Reason MUST rule human nature,” I shouted back across the fence at my neighbour. Then I did something I have never done before. I quoted Andrew Preston, professor of history at Cambridge University. “Emotion breeds superstition and conflict, and is a barrier to progress. Worst of all, it breeds religion, and religion breeds intolerance and backwardness.”
Headshots and intents to injure have revived my interest in hockey.
“In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.”
– Oscar Wilde
You can have your Ulysses. I’ll take Mrs. Dalloway. Any day of the week.
“… the traffic thinned; motor cars, tinkling, darting, succeeded the lumber of vans; and here and there among the thick foliage of the squares an intense light hung. I resign, the evening seemed to say, as it paled and faded above the battlements and prominences, moulded, pointed, of hotel, flat, and block of shops, I fade, she was beginning, I disappear, but London would have none of it, and rushed her bayonets into the sky, pinioned her, constrained her to partnership in her revelry.”
Like I said. You can have your James Joyce. I’ll take Virginia Woolf. Any day of the week.
It says on the news there’s a rabies outbreak in Toronto. Glad I’m not going there this summer … Wait a minute. That’s not the news. That’s CBC … I’ll take a ticket to the Phillies game, please, and a ticket to the Radiohead concert.
If I were to introduce a newspaper to Saskatchewan the last one I would choose would be a newspaper called Metro. Sorry. I just can’t take it seriously. It reminds me of the Ukrainian comedian. Now THAT guy was funny.
Friend of mine asked me how come no short form for Rangers? I told him it’s because we Rangers fans can handle words of more than one syllable. My friend is a Senators fan. Excuse me. Sens. I won’t tell you his name. Hint: It has only one syllable.
I don’t like Sidney Crosby either. Never have.
The Orioles lead the American League East but that’s about to change. Next up in the pitching rotation is Tommy Hunter. No not THAT Tommy Hunter. But it might as well be.
If the Rangers continue to win the odd-number games, I don’t much care what happens in the other ones.
Stepped through the doors of the 7-Eleven. Guy looks at my hat and says: “Orioles! They’re hot!” I asked the manager to burn me a copy of the security tape so I can relive this moment in October.
I wonder what it feels like right about now to be Andrew Luck’s agent.
Ray Ferraro says since moving into the new rink in Phoenix the Coyotes have had to “re-identify what their identity is.”
Suddenly I don’t like Joel Quenneville’s chances of getting the benefit of the doubt on close calls.
More from Ray Ferraro. He describes Dave Tippett as being “one of the most detailed teammates I’ve ever played with.”
National Marijuana Day. What will they think of next? Right. Sorry. National Medical Marijuana Day. I stand (sort of) corrected.
It says here in the newspaper “Police seek third burglar.” Now there’s a job I could do.
Starting for the Orioles tonight: Matusz (0-2, 8.38). The Angels are countering with Williams (0-1, 16.87)
The Red Wings have been eliminated. There will be more of this sort of thing in the days and weeks ahead. But still, as Shakespeare said: “When it comes to the Stanley Cup playoffs, what hurts the worst is leaving first.”
This guy I know. Thinks he’s a big shot just because he’s got a website. Fires off an email as the buzzer sounds in Ottawa’s victory over the Rangers in Game 5. He wants to make a golf joke, but he can’t come up with one. So I help him out. “In golf it’s fore. In hockey it’s four.” He hasn’t won anything yet.
In The Year of the Flood, a parable dressed up as a novel, Margaret Atwood suggests we are still angry with God because He banished us from the Garden of Eden. Interesting thought. Are we trying to punish Him by insisting He doesn’t exist?
“Man around town.” Now THAT’S funny. Too little too late alas.
For the record: I don’t HAVE 51 discs.
“The Lama”
The one-l lama / He’s a priest;
The two-l llama / He’s a beast.
And I will bet / A silk pajama
There isn’t any / Three-l lllama.
– Ogden Nash
Forget the physical aspects. Hockey is a mind game.
Cruel and unusual punishment: Camera shots of Mark Messier in the press box.
Jason Spezza: “Growing up, Lemieux was the guy I tried to emulate.” Yes, he said it with a straight face.
I’m with Joel Quenneville. The officiating in the Stanley Cup playoffs has been a disgrace. The NHL should consider adding a second referee.
Dear Sir,
re Popularity, Paleo Pit, Time Restrictions:
Don’t worry about it. It’s so crowded nobody goes there anymore.
Sincerely, Yogi (Berra)
p.s. You kids out there. I don’t care what kind of bread they put it on. You shouldn’t be eating dinosaur meat anyway.
I miss Boog Powell.
Susan Sarandon claims she’s under FBI surveillance. She should be flattered. At least somebody’s watching her.
Does anybody care anymore what Michael Moore thinks?
Eric Thames knocked a pair of ‘em out of the park tonight. One for the Blue Jays. One for the Orioles.
The Orioles have a very loose interpretation of the term “defensive indifference.”
I wonder who will be the next manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.
Our headline of the day comes courtesy of Yahoo! News: “Joke” to “Hijack Plane, Kill Obama” gets Utah man in trouble. Indeed.
“Comic relief” refers to:
A) an amusing scene, incident, or speech introduced into serious or tragic elements, as in a play, in order to provide temporary relief from tension, or to intensify the dramatic action.
B) relief from tension caused by the introduction or occurrence of a comic element, as by an amusing human foible.
C) the Toronto Blue Jays bullpen.
The only thing worse than a Coyotes-Predators game is a Coyotes-Predators game that goes into overtime. Hey Roadrunner. Pass me that ACME remote-control channel changer.
If I hear the phrase “they don’t like each other” one more time in the Stanley Cup playoffs I’m going to puke.
Does anyone know if the Blevins who pitches for the Athletics is related to the country music guy? Nine-zip Orioles after five.
Don’t misunderstand. I think “Dan Yates Is a Person on the Internet” is … OK. But something tells me this website would get even MORE hits if it had a different name. Like what? Oh I don’t know. “Bulldozer With A Wrecking Ball Attached.” Yeah. Like that. Something inspired.
Can’t tell you how flattered I am that all the comments on this site are removed except mine.
David Ben-Gurion said: “Anyone who doesn’t believe in miracles is not a realist.”
Well … I’m a realist. I believe in miracles. Indeed I depend on them.
The story of the Stanley Cup playoffs will be written in the final. Mike Richards’ new team against Mike Richards’ old team. That’s right. Kings. Flyers. You read it here first. Well, OK. Maybe nobody’s actually read it. But it’s here.
It’s early in the second round, but already this much is obvious. The Coyotes and Predators don’t like each other. Earlier today I watched the Flyers and Devils not like each other, too. Whose turn is it to not like each other tomorrow night? Right. The Rangers and Capitals will not like each other any more than, say, the Blues and Kings like each other. So how do you like that?
“I drink dark beer,” he said, “and hang out in dimly lit brew pubs.” My question is: If the place is dimly lit, how do you know the beer doesn’t just LOOK dark?
I like the option of clicking on the square next to “Please notify me of follow-up comments via email.” You should add another. “Please notify me by email if I win a million dollars in the lottery.” The odds are about the same I think.
Don’t you hate junk mail? This arrived a few minutes ago from Los Banos West. It should have gone straight to Spam. It didn’t.
“Situated next to the San Luis Reservoir our campground provides cool morning and evening breezes. You’ll love swimming in our crystal-clear pool water. Enjoy camping with us in shaded areas and quiet nights without road noise …”
Sounds nice. In theory.
Daniel Defoe said: “The killing of time is the worst of murders.”
Make sure the time you kill is your own.
Obsessional behaviour is discouraged here. I said, obsessional behaviour is discouraged here.
Even in kids’ baseball, perhaps especially in kids’ baseball, the final out in the deciding game of a championship series should not be made on the basepaths or it will haunt you for the rest of your life. P.S. Generally third basemen do not lead their teams in stolen bases. But it does happen.
I am forever indebted to Natalie Wolchover and LiveScience.com for explaining a phenomenon that has puzzled me for five decades. Here goes:
“Ever noticed how car wheels can look like they’re spinning backwards in the movies? This is because movie cameras capture still images of a scene at a finite rate and the brain fills in the gaps between these images by creating the illusion of continuous motion between the similar frames. If the wheel rotates most of the way around between one frame and the next, the most obvious direction of motion for the brain to pick up on is backwards, since this direction suggests the minimal difference between the two frames.”
Wait. There’s more.
“However, wheels can also appear to spin backwards in real life, which is weirder. The leading theory to explain the Continuous Wagon Wheel Illusion, as it is known, holds that the brain’s motion perception system samples its input as a series of discrete snapshots, much like a movie camera. So our brains are effectively filming their own movies of the external world, but not always at a fast enough frame rate to perceive the wheels in the scene spinning the right way.”
I’ll be damned. They even have a name for it.
Does anybody do jigsaw puzzles anymore? Besides Margaret Drabble, I mean.
Standing in line at the coffee shop early this morning I struck up a conversation with a guy who owns property in Nevada. Indicating the Collected Works I was holding, he said: “I’ll bet you didn’t know there’s a Shakespeare Festival in Lake Tahoe? What’re the odds on that?” I hate people who laugh at their own jokes.
Don’t get me wrong. I like Bobby Valentine well enough, and it’s early in the season. But I don’t think sobriety is working for the Red Sox.
Away down the river,
A hundred miles or more,
Other little children
Shall bring my boats ashore.
– Jane Urquhart, “Sanctuary Line”
It isn’t so much that the Rangers lost in Washington this afternoon and the series is now tied at two. The even-number games do not concern me. What DOES concern me is that Lundqvist looked ordinary.
They tell me there’s a prize for the first reader who posts 100 comments on this website. It’s a choice between a new automobile and a $25 gift card from Tim Hortons. Unfortunately the choice is Dan’s not yours.
p.s. That’s why you can’t post the same comment twice. Otherwise what would it matter if you did?
Our “Cockamamie Story of the Week” comes from The Canadian Press:
NIAGARA FALLS, Ont. — A massive, suggestively shaped flower more than two metres high is blooming in Niagara Falls, Ont., the first time it has flowered in Canada.
Experts at the Niagara Parks Floral Showhouse say one specimen of the rare Amorphophallus titanum has opened. But they say the bell-shaped plant won’t last long and its centre spike has already started to droop. By Sunday, it will likely have turned into a “tree-like stalk.”
Experts say the unusual flower, whose name means “misshapen phallus,” has bloomed in a botanical garden only 21 times. The plant — considered the tallest flower species in the world — gives off a unique smell most often compared to rotting meat. Parks staff say a second flower is expected to bloom in the coming weeks.
Can you imagine being an expert on “suggestively shaped” flowers?
Headline from Yahoo! News reads: “Courtney Wagner, whose father is actor Robert Wagner, is booked on felony drug charges.” Courtney Wagner, eh? Who knew?
NOW she tells me.
The verse posted several comments above is actually an excerpt from “Where Go The Boats?” by Robert Louis Stevenson quoted by Jane Urquhart in her novel “Sanctuary Line.”
Thanks Jane!
Fair enough Dan. Here’s the poem in its entirety.
WHERE GO THE BOATS?
Dark brown is the river,
Golden is the sand.
It flows along for ever,
With trees on either hand.
Green leaves a-floating,
Castles of the foam,
Boats of mine a-boating,
Where will all come home?
On goes the river
And out past the mill,
Away down the valley,
Away down the hill.
Away down the river,
A hundred miles or more,
Other little children
Shall bring my boats ashore.
Robert Louis Stevenson
I wonder which will be the first team to surrender a home run this season to Albert Pujols.
In the American League you know that a game has gone deep, deep, DEEP into extra innings when even the pitchers are batting.
For one night in 2012 — the mystical magical evening of Sunday May 6 — the Baltimore Orioles had the best record in the American League: 19-9 (.679). The Toronto Blue Jays, too, compete in the AL East.
The Russian would-be figure skater Alexander OyVeytchin should be suspended one game for his skates-off-the-ice cheap shot on Dan Girardi the other day. What is Brendan Shenanigans waiting for? A triple axel?
Oh to have been a fly in the soup when Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan went out for dinner Saturday night in Manhattan.
“If my films don’t make a profit, it’s a sign I’m doing something right.”
– Woody Allen
“How can you not like Britney Spears?”
– Lindsay Lohan
Is there any chance Jaromir Jagr could be coaxed out of retirement to take a few shifts as a power-play specialist somewhere or maybe even five-on-five when an offensive spark is needed?
Do people still use fly swatters?
Once upon a time I knew the difference between Jersey and Guernsey. I don’t anymore. The server at the coffee shop this morning told me one is a cow and the other is a chocolate bar. But she didn’t say which is which. Besides, I suspect she was thinking of Hershey.
I suppose I could look it up in The Western Producer, but the fact of the matter is, I haven’t seen one of those since way back in the days when I still knew the difference between Guernsey and Jersey. I asked for one at the coffee shop this morning. The Western Producer I mean. The server said she’d never heard of it.
Tonight I’m rooting FOR the Rangers in hockey and AGAINST the Rangers in baseball. A sweep would bring me within a victory of advancing to the Stanley Cup semi-finals and leave me with the best record in Major League Baseball.
The Blue Jays are idle this evening.
The Senators are idle until fall.
Apparently an honest man is not as rare as once thought.
Listen to this:
”I was trying to hit him. I’m not going to deny it. I’m not trying to injure the guy. They’re probably not going to like me for it, but I’m not going to say I wasn’t trying to do it. I think they understood the message, and they threw it right back. That’s the way, and I respect it.”
A tip of the cap to Cole Hamels of the Phillies, who welcomed Washington rookie Bryce Harper to the major leagues by drilling him in the side. Hey that’s baseball!
“That’s something I grew up watching, that’s kind of what happened. So I’m just trying to continue the old baseball because I think some people are kind of getting away from it. I remember when I was a rookie the strike zone was really, really small and you didn’t say anything because that’s the way baseball is. But I think unfortunately the league’s protecting certain players and making it not that old-school, prestigious way of baseball.”
Indeed. Hamels has been suspended for five games and fined an undisclosed amount. Undisclosed to me at least. But hey that’s baseball too!
Henrik Lundqvist says he’s unhappy with the way he played against the Capitals in Game 4. He’s not the only one. Lundqvist looked ordinary. With an ordinary goaltender the Rangers have as much chance of winning the Stanley Cup as Brian Matusz has of beating Texas tonight.
On hockey telecasts the phrase “these teams don’t like each other” has been replaced by another equally nauseating one: “That’s what the playoffs are all about.”
Question: What advice did Hal Blaine give Karen Carpenter that made her a better drummer?
Answer: As a drummer, you’re sitting in a room at your kit in a tight space and the mikes are highly sensitive. Most drummers are used to knocking the hell out of their set. But in the studio, at least back then, before the digital recording age, you didn’t do that. With all those mikes, you can’t be wailing away or you’ll hit one of the stands. You also have to develop a technique of playing in your own little zone of space. You have to play gentle. If a song calls for something a little heavier, you turn the sticks around so you’re using the thicker end. It’s like the difference between driving a little car and a semi-truck. There are different rules for maneuvering.
You’re welcome. But don’t thank me. Thank JazzWax. That’s where it comes from.
One of these nights when he’s sitting on the bench getting an earful from John Torturella in plain view of hockey fans in Canada and the United States, the meek and mild-mannered Artem Anisimov is going to look back at his coach and say: “отвинтить.” That’s Russian for “Screw you!”
The double minor for high sticking in the dying seconds of the third period of Game 5 of the Rangers-Capitals series is the closest thing I have seen to Divine Intervention.
Like I told the guy in the coffee shop this morning. It USED to be an Orioles cap. Now it’s a plain old ordinary black hat. With masking tape covering the logo.
This clown who plays goal for the Flyers. I hope he’s not watching highlights from any of the other series.
I don’t think the Flyers and Devils like each other. But that’s what the playoffs are all about.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m encouraged by the Orioles’ 19-11 start. But I’m also keeping it in perspective. You know what they say. Farmers don’t lose crops in May and baseball teams don’t win championships.
Vidal Sassoon. Dead at 84. Hair today. Gone tomorrow.
I’d hate to think Sophocles was right when he wrote, as the final line to Oedipus the King, “Count no man happy till he dies.”
Tuned in to watch the Rangers and Capitals in Game 6. Hit the Mute button right after Fran Healy “set the scene” by quoting Eleanor Roosevelt. In difficult times, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Puh-leeze.
“You can’t fight fire with ego.” It doesn’t happen often, but Ron MacLean came across like an idiot when he tried to draw a connection between hockey players and rescue workers on 9/11. What the hell was he thinking?
“Fran” Healy? Did I say “Fran” Healy? Yes of course. I meant Glenn Healy. Thanks Grapes. I owe you one.
Question: What is antimetabole?
Answer: Antimetabole is a rhetorical device by which word order is switched in different parts of a sentence for the purpose of impact and symmetry.
Example 1: “Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.”
– John F. Kennedy, 1961
Example 2: “We were elected to change Washington — and we let Washington change us.”
– John McCain, 2008
In her book “It’s All Greek To Me” Charlotte Higgins argues that “The Gettysburg Address is in some ways a 19th-Century version of Pericles’ Funeral Oration.” This had not occurred to me, but now that I think about it, she’s right.
The Orioles’ game against Texas has been postponed due to rain. Baltimore gave up 24 runs on 29 hits the last couple of nights. It’s almost like God Himself is saying: “Enough already!”
Everyone expects the Rangers-Capitals series to go to a seventh game. This includes the Rangers.
Strange But True
1. In your lifetime you’ll eat 60,000 pounds of food — the weight of six elephants.
2. More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
3. Fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails.
4. Approximately 50 Bibles are sold each minute around the world.
5. There will be no Stanley Cup hockey on television for 72 hours.
Words to live by. Then and now. In the eighth century BCE the Greek poet Hesiod wrote: “Do not let a woman poking into your barn deceive your mind by showing off her arse.”
Young woman behind the counter at the gas station this morning recognized the Orioles cap in spite of the masking tape that now covers the logo. “I loved your comment yesterday about the antimetaboles,” she said offering me a Double Bubble “on the house.”
I thanked her and put the gum in my pocket for later. “You missed a pretty obvious one,” she added. “My personal favourite.”
Then she took her pen and scribbled this down on the back of my credit cart receipt.
Example 3: “In the end the true test is not the speeches a president delivers — it’s whether the president delivers on the speeches.”
– Hillary Clinton
In the best of all worlds I would have my own Comments area. So I wouldn’t have to compete with all these other people.
Impulsively, the stranger seated at the table next to mine at the coffee shop this morning turned to me and asked: “Ever heard of this guy Zopyrus?”
I was immersed in my Western Producer, but not wanting to appear unfriendly, I replied: “Russian defenceman, right?”
The stranger laughed.
“Good one,” he said, thinking I’d made a joke.
Then he continued.
“Zopyrus was a Persian general. He tricked the Babylonians by pretending to be a traitor. As proof of his new loyalty he sliced off his own nose and ears. Claimed it had been done to him by the Persians.”
I couldn’t resist.
“Now that’s taking one for the team,” I said.
The stranger didn’t miss a beat.
“Yeah,” he said. ‘The Persians and the Babylonians. Those guys just didn’t like each other.”
Victories against the Minnesota Twins should not count in the standings.
Is it just me? Or does the Twins manager bear a striking resemblance to Jim Hopson. Strike that. It’s probably just me.
News that the Blue Jays have signed Vladimir Guerrero to a minor league contract brings to mind a line from The Phantom of the Opera. “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
Now I don’t follow the Blue Jays as closely as I follow the Orioles. But I’m assuming the signing of Guerrero is an attempt to light a fire under Jose Bautista who is on pace to match the numbers Guerrero put up in Baltimore last season.
I shouldn’t eavesdrop. But I do.
This morning at the coffee shop I overheard a mother say to her teenaged daughter: “To me, it is bloated, uneven, chilling, exasperating, beautiful, inspiring, deadly and confusing.”
To which the daughter hastened to add: “Most importantly, mother, it is a gauntlet thrown down and a challenge issued. A challenge to think, a challenge to engage and to argue.”
I shouldn’t interrupt. But I do.
“Excuse me, ladies, for butting in,” I said. “But clearly you are faithful followers of the Dan Yates website. Two of his legion of readers.”
There was a pause. An awkward silence.
“We most certainly are not,” the mother said.
To which the daughter hastened to add: “For your information, sir, we were merely reiterating Charlotte Higgins’ opinion of Plato’s Republic. Ever heard of it?”
“Of course I’ve heard of it,” I said. “It’s universally known.”
Then I went back to my Western Producer.
I shouldn’t ignore people. But I do.
Jays sign Guerrero. Bautista goes on a tear. Coincidence? I think not.
The Rangers are 7-1 in odd-number games. They are also in the conference final.
Orioles 22-12 .647 –
Blue Jays 19-15 .559 3
The Rangers’ success can be summed up in two words: Lund Qvist.
America, What a country!
“Marlins catcher Brett Hayes spots gunman before shooting on Florida turnpike”
America. What a country too!!
“Bryce Harper hits own face with bat — takes 10 stitches”
Is it me? Or has this not been a good weekend for major-league baseball players with the initials B.H.?